


long time passing

by cornstalker



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Dead People, Dead Steve, Drinking to Cope, Excessive Drinking, FUCK endgame, Grieving Bucky, Heavy Drinking, Hurt Bucky Barnes, I Made Myself Cry, I love these boys it hurt to write this, I'm Sorry, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Bucky Barnes, Poor Bucky Barnes, no beta we die like men, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:47:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25041133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornstalker/pseuds/cornstalker
Summary: Post Endgame. NOT A FIX IT. I'm still in denial that Steve would leave Bucky after he finally got him back for good.I cried while writing this. I feel so stupid crying over these boys but AGH.This entire fic is going to suck to read and write. I'm sorry in advance.TWs in the beginning notes.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 4





	1. where have all the flowers gone?

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Death, Suicidal Thoughts
> 
> You have been warned. I hated writing it but I needed the cathartic experience, yknow?

_Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing?_

_Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?_

_Where have all the flowers gone?_

_Young boys have picked them every one._

_Oh, when will they ever learn?_

_Oh, when will they ever learn?_

After Steve had returned aged, he retired. Bucky stayed with him. Steve’s pension got them a small flower shop in Brooklyn. Steve managed the diverse garden, while Bucky handled the register and sales. The occasional Karen came in, requesting something they didn’t have and throwing a fit when Bucky explained calmly that no, they didn’t carry rare exotic flowers. One even snapped in his face that his memory was probably “fucked too badly to remember after what HYDRA did to him.” Bucky had been forced to kick her out. For the most part, everything seemed alright though. Eventually, though, Bucky noticed something was off with Steve. He had taken to sketching in the sketchbook Bucky had gotten him a lot more recently. Whenever Bucky asked what was wrong, Steve would snap the sketchbook shut and say in a terse voice, “Nothing, Buck. I don’t get why you’re so convinced something’s wrong.” Eventually, Bucky decided to go through the sketchbook. That night, he snuck into Steve’s room. The door opened without a squeak. As Bucky nervously tiptoed around Steve’s bed, he couldn’t tell what was setting him off. When he retrieved the book, he realized what had been keeping him on his nerves. Steve’s normal snoring wasn’t. That meant he was either sleeping or- Bucky quickly checked his pulse. He found nothing. 

“Steve? STEVE? STEVE ARE YOU THERE PLEASE-.” No response. Bucky whipped out Steve’s phone and dialed 911. 

“Hello? Operator? The love of my life is dead in my arms. I live at 838 National Drive in Brooklyn. Please come quickly. There’s no trace of blood or anything.”

When the paramedics arrived, Steve’s body was already cold. Bucky was sniffling quietly in the corner. After the paramedics pronounced him officially dead, Bucky cried even harder. He made sure to keep the sketchbook out of the way. 

After the coroner pronounced it a death of natural causes, Bucky closed up. He buried Steve in their garden next to the roses. Steve loved roses. From that point on, Bucky wouldn’t talk to anyone. Nobody could contact him anyway, and why would he want them to? The love of his life just left him permanently. Bucky couldn’t take it.

Later that day he was getting off Steve’s bed to go get their trusty pistol to join Steve, but he stepped on the sketchbook and almost fell. The sketchbook which, he realized, he had never opened. Bucky sent out a silent prayer. “Wherever you are, Steve, please forgive me for this.”


	2. where have all the young boys gone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky opens the sketchbook

_Where have all the young boys gone, long time passing?_

_Where have all the young boys gone, long time ago?_

_Where have all the young boys gone?_

_Gone for husbands every one._

_Oh, when will they ever learn?_

_Oh, when will they ever learn?_

Bucky walked to the rosebush that Steve loved and was buried under. Taking a deep breath, he opened the sketchbook. On the first page was a letter. A letter to him, he realized, as he read it. 

Dear Bucky,

I will never send this letter. I can’t risk our friendship. Hopefully you never see this. I love you. I always have. I made a mistake going back to Peggy. She wasn’t the right one for me. We both knew it, later on. She realized it a couple days after I did. When I went back, I made sure you never fell into Hydra’s hands. After I married Peggy, you were shipped back out, but on the Pacific front. You were killed in action there. You have no idea how much that hurt me. I’ve watched you die so many times. I can’t lose you as a friend after all that. That’s why I’ll never send this. I know you’ll understand. I can’t lose your eyes. You bring so much light into my life after the darkness we’ve been through. You have saved my life more times than I can count. I’ve fallen in love with you, and there is nothing anyone can do to undo that. 

“Except you dying,” Bucky thought bitterly.

The letter continued:

Throughout my life, you have been there. Always completing me, always being exactly what I need. Maybe I should have told you just how much I loved you. I doubt Bucky, the ladies’ man, loves me, but I’m glad I wrote this. At least this gives me some form of release.

I love you till the end of the line,

Steve

Bucky started crying. Hard. He cried for at least a solid hour. After the tears dried, Bucky went through the sketchbook. Each page was filled with either a flower or Bucky. Bucky, washing his hands. Bucky, getting into his tac gear. Bucky, managing the register at their flower shop. In every sketch, there was a rose, hidden, somewhere. Steve loved roses. Steve loved him. At the end of the book, however, there was a short note. 

“I don’t know if anyone will see this. I’m dying. I can feel it. If anyone reads this, please tell James Buchanan Barnes that Steve Rogers loves him with everything he has and that he wishes there could have been a better way.”

Bucky burst into tears. He shriveled up and cried. His tears would keep Steve’s rosebush alive for at least a week. Longer than Bucky had. Steve actually loved him. Worthless, broken him. Bucky wanted to shout for joy but he couldn’t. The one man who ever loved him was dead. Sighing, Bucky stood up. He picked one red rose off of the bush for Steve. He brought the rose inside and put it in water. 


	3. where have all the husbands gone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky breaks.

_ Where have all the husbands gone, long time passing? _

_ Where have all the husbands gone, long time ago? _

_ Where have all the husbands gone? _

_ Gone for soldiers every one _

_ Oh, when will they ever learn? _

_ Oh, when will they ever learn? _

After Bucky placed the rose, he collapsed into Steve’s bed.  _ Steve loved him. The whole time. And he never said anything.  _ Why hadn’t he done anything? He could have talked to him. He could have  _ married _ Steve. Why hadn’t he done anything? He was a failure. Bucky stood up and walked quickly to the fridge. He took out the unopened bottle of vodka he had been saving for a special occasion. He drained the entire thing. 

“God, Steve, why couldn’t you have been open about this like you are about everything else. I needed you so badly and you left. Why couldn’t you have talked to me. I would’ve been accepting. I would’ve loved you better than Peggy ever could.” He was full-on bawling at this point. “I could’ve been there for you, Steve. I could’ve loved you like you deserved to be loved. And you had to go on and do what you always do. Run off headlong without backup and this time, I couldn’t cover you. You took a risk like you always do, and you lost. Why did you have to leave me, Steve? What did I do to deserve my broken heart?” 

His vision swam as the vodka kicked in full force. He felt as though he was falling through Steve’s bed. Suddenly, he was back in Hydra’s grip. They strapped him down to the chair again. They tilted him back and he knew he was about to lose his Steve. Bucky fought hard. His metal arm snapped its restraints. He broke his other restraints by simply pulling them off. Before he could get out of the chair, the technicians slammed his head back into the chair. As it began its work, his vision faded. When it came back, he was lying on Steve’s bed, holding the sketchbook. The sheets around him were soaked with tears. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm legitimately so sorry. I have the rest of the fic planned out. It's not going to be pretty.


End file.
